The best thing about prison life is that farting is openly accepted. In fact in most American prison’s there is a farting hierarchy where the most dangerous criminals exert such authority over there fellow inmates that they can and do often fart in the faces of those that they deem to be weaker than themselves.

Many prisons have recently installed ‘gas chambers’ where uncooperative prisoners are placed. This is basically just a small room where rotten farts from other prisoners are relentlessly pumped in until the convict has agreed to change his ways.

So far it has been wildly successful with crime down 50% on the last year in prisons. However suicide rates have increased by 50% with many of the prisoners who were subjected to the treatment opting to end their lives after enduring the fart chamber.

That said it is possible for you to become so upset and disturbed at your own farts that you become suicidal.

If you feel like ending your own life after a bad fart, just hang on. Farts don’t last forever. It will clear quickly.

You can help alleviate the smell by opening as many windows as possible and turning on the air conditioning. If you’re still feeling desperate run to your neighbour’s house and explain what happened along with your suicidal feelings. If they fail to understand or empathize with your situation then you can legally shit on their doorstep with no fears of legal repercussions.

Remember to stay calm and to move as far away from the fart as possible. You might want to cordon off the area with Police Tape lest anyone else walks into your death zone and contemplates ending their own life after sampling your fumes.

Seriously though if this was to happen to me I would not be impressed. I’d probably crap in the car and smear it all into the windows as a form of dirty protest against her.

I’d then start to shovel my own crap through the letterbox and wait until she comes home at night and then run at her with the explicit intention of farting in her general direction until she’s sorry that she ever married me.

If that didn’t work then I’d record myself farting for a month and send her a compilation of my best ones on a cassette tape straight to her door.

I’d win in the end either way.

I’d hate it if someone else farted on me without my explicit permission as there’s no guarantee that they won’t down the brown during the whole sordid process. Watching videos of this very activity is not my idea of a nice night in. In fact if I was to think about it for too long I think I’d end up having a panic attack.

If the government had any sense at all they’d outlaw fart porn as soon as possible as it acts as a violation of human dignity and exploits the natural gift of farting, for extremely lewd purposes.

Seriously though, no-one should be forced to feel ashamed for something they can’t help. We should be encouraging others to express themselves as much as possible and farting publicly is just one piece of the pie.

I have a dream that one day when a person farts he will not be met with scorn but with flowers, applause and admiration from all of those around him.

That day will only come when we accept that farts are a perfectly normal and healthy function of the human body.

Let’s face it, farting is hilarious. There’s nothing you can do to disguise this fact. So in order to raise your child properly you must do your utmost to ensure that your child holds this belief dear to them throughout their life.

If you try to raise them with manners then they’ll turn out to be boring pricks later in life with no friends and no chance of ever getting a girlfriend.

I like to compare lingering farts to old dogs that you want to just die. No matter what you do you cannot escape it and it’ll just follow you around until either you die or it dies.

If the lingering fart is really starting to annoy me I will bring out and spray a can of deodorant at the fart, to try to mask the smell. The trouble with these farts is that there’s usually plenty more where that came from so even if I’m trying not to fart one will manage to escape if I stand up too quick or I see someone I’m attracted to.

I knew of a girl who would faint every time she smelt a fart, even if they were one of her own. It’s people like her that would only be able to endure 2 or 3 before her respiratory system started to shut down. I’ve known others who practically live in their own feces and fart 1000’s of times a day and they seem to be invulnerable to any amount of punishment, even some of my worst ones.

Personally I think I could handle about 500 rapid-fire farts before my lungs decided to pop like two lousy, tarry balloons.

More than anything it’s disappointing when my farts don’t smell at all as a lot of the time I’m farting for retribution and I want the person I’m targeting to feel as much discomfort as humanly possible. Odorless farts just fail to make an impact compared to the ones that smell like Communism. That said, loud odorless farts get a much better reception from the general public.

Only people without a sense of humor won’t laugh at the outburst.

But yeah I’d rather I knew what was going on with my bowels than to fart vanilla farts for any length of time.

I now pride myself on my ability to fart on cue at enemies. If anyone has pissed me off I’ll go straight over to them, slap them on the face, whip down my bags and fart right at them and I won’t give a damn what they think.

This is what got me sacked at my last job too. You see I’ve never employed the whole passive aggressive attitude to colleagues I dislike, I find it much healthier to show my disdain for someone by more vocal means. If it means being arrested then I guess that’s just the price I have to pay for being honest.