I have this friend who believes that I have a demon in me just because my farts smell so bad. Can you believe this? My farts smell so bad because I drink too much booze and I eat nothing but fast food. There are no demons in me that I’m aware of!

If I was possessed by Satan I’d imagine that my wind would smell like mustard gas and that anyone who inhaled my musty leakages would die instantly. Seriously. I’d likely be rounded up by the FBI and used as a key part of their chemical warfare strategy.

Maybe I should start praying to Satan or playing with the Ouija Board. It would be amazing to be able to knock people out regularly with farts. It means I’d always win in bar brawls too.

I hate letting off silent farts because you never really have much to show for your efforts apart from the smell. When you let out a damp silent but deadly you have to do the two finger test to check to see whether you’ve shit yourself or not. At least with the loud blast farts you can be fairly sure that you haven’t downed the brown. The funniest thing is that I can feel when a fart is gonna be loud or silent or not by how warm it is in my ass.

If it feels really warm then I know that I’m in imminent danger of shitting myself. If I’m in the company of others I’m reluctant to let these out as I rarely have a change of pants with me. If the fart is as cold as a dead person then you know that you have enough leeway to put 110% and can let off a real scorcher. Some of the cold farts can be misleading however. I’ve actually let out a big solid log of crap by overstretching and there was absolute no room in my underparts after that one.

Be very wary of farting when you’ve just awoken from a long slumber, as it is difficult to tell exactly what will come out of your ass hole.

Be sure to let anything out over the toilet straight after wakening up as there’s every chance that methane has been brewing in your bowels for many hours and could cause quite a stench when it’s finally released.

The last thing you wanna be doing is farting down the mall and getting arrested by the state police and detained for 20 years for trying to commit a chemical attack.  You would have absolutely no excuses there, would you?

The loudest fart ever recorded measured a collosal 150db, which is about as loud as 5 elephants going totally mental on a bus. The farter was a 59-year-old man from Scotland named Cyril McTaggart, a welder from the Govan aware of Glasgow.

He claims that he started farting whilst he was still in his mothers womb and that this understandably drove her mental. Since then Cyril’s farting has continually become worse. He now drinks around 25 pints of beer a day along with enough beans to feed a large Kenyan village.

Cyril, who still lives with his ailing mother has never had a girlfriend and in an attempt to attract some love into his life he is preparing to cease farting altogether. However Doctor’s have warned that he will continue to fart like this for the rest of his life even if he ceases to drink alcohol and eat beans.

“We’ve had Cyril in for some tests and his colon is severely scorched. We’ve never seen anything like this in our lives. This man must have totally farted his ass off for god knows long. It’s like something out of a warzone. When I first seen the pictures of it I was ready to be physically sick.”

We tried contacting Cyril but he was unavailable for comment. Obviously he was too busy farting his ass off to talk to anyone apart from the toilet.