The best thing about prison life is that farting is openly accepted. In fact in most American prison’s there is a farting hierarchy where the most dangerous criminals exert such authority over there fellow inmates that they can and do often fart in the faces of those that they deem to be weaker than themselves.

Many prisons have recently installed ‘gas chambers’ where uncooperative prisoners are placed. This is basically just a small room where rotten farts from other prisoners are relentlessly pumped in until the convict has agreed to change his ways.

So far it has been wildly successful with crime down 50% on the last year in prisons. However suicide rates have increased by 50% with many of the prisoners who were subjected to the treatment opting to end their lives after enduring the fart chamber.

If you find yourself farting repeatedly in the company of others and are embarrassed about this, then the worst thing you can do is blame your dog. Dog’s by their nature are loyal companions who don’t deserve to be victimized by your slander. Be a man and confess to your farts. Either that or stop eating so much cheesy foods!

I knew a guy who kept on blaming his dog for his anal escapades and one day whilst he was walking with his pet it suddenly mauled him by the Riverside and bit these huge chunks out of his ass. He died later in hospital. The dog didn’t last long either, it suffered serious food poisoning as it’s thought that the guys ass checks were that contaminated with his pungent farts that large colonies of salmonella were thriving on his bottom.

The moral of the story is to own up to your farts and don’t blame it on anyone else with teeth sharp enough to rip your ass apart.

Drastic farts occur very rarely in public.  Typically I’d only label a fart as drastic if one of the people who have been subjected to it looks especially aggrieved at it. For this reason I’d consider all non-silent funeral-farts as drastic, especially if the farter positions their ass on the coffin before ripping.

Another sign that a fart is a ‘drastic fart’ is when someone has a mental breakdown shortly after the emission has ended. If the person is carted off to a mental asylum and never fully recovers from your fart then that can definitely be considered to be drastic.

A fart that kills an otherwise healthy relationship shouldn’t be considered drastic as it happens all the time. In Britain this is rumored to be the cause of over 85% of marital break-ups.

Picture the scene, you’re sitting on your favorite chair in your living room watching the football on the TV. You get up to go into the kitchen to fetch a beer and as you walk back in you notice that your girlfriend is sniffing the seat that you’ve been farting on.

What the hell are you meant to do or think?

If you’re offended by it, report it to both her parents and her friends. If her father picks up yell ‘Did you know that your daughter is a seat sniffing slut!?!?’ down the phone to him. Try to capture footage of her doing it, hack into her Facebook and put it up on her profile.

If you love her doing it, then I guess you could start to sniff her chair back in reciprocation and be proud of the fact that you’re part of a relationship made in heaven.

Farting is not something that should be excluded from a loving relationship. By this I’m not endorsing face farts or anything like that but by being open about your farts and using them as a sensual means of communication you can improve the quality and depth of your relationship.

Once farting is heralded as a uniting force in a relationship, the sky is the limit. You will be able to fart together in public without fear of scorn.

However be careful to avoid getting involved in face farting as it’s an extremely dangerous racket. I’ve known several people who have died from it after suffocating on their partners ass fumes. It might seem hilarious to you all but it’s a real tragedy. Imagine you were that persons family and having to deal with that news.

Too many kids these days are afraid of farting in class. It’s a tragedy, your first sure-fire rasper in school should be a moment of pride. You’ll find out who your true friends are in such situations too!

If your teacher tries to persecute for your windiness, then complain to the principal that you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and that you can’t help your outbursts. When the principal accepts your story, then you have free licence to fart as much as you want during the lesson.

My advice is to let out as much as you can whilst the teacher is trying to explain something complicated. If your good enough you could cause him/her to have a mental breakdown on the spot!

If you’re in a new relationship, it is important to let out your first fart as soon as possible, in order to give your partner a prior warning to the nature of your beasts.

The best option is to call her in to the kitchen by clinking a spoon off a wine glass, much like a public speaker at a wedding. Once you have her attention, raise your leg off the ground, pull back and let off as hard as you can.

If you’re unfortunate enough to crap yourself, your best and only option is to burst into tears and run as far away from her as possible. Do not explain your actions as it’ll keep her guessing.

Girls love a man of mystery.

I’ve had to do this so many times in my life it’s not funny. There’s nothing worse than being in an awkward social situation and needing to fart loudly, like in church. In such a scenario I cross my legs and pray to God for deliverance from the fart in a gentle way.

I try to picture tumbleweed moving gently across a nice meadow. It never works and I must be praying to the wrong God. As whenever I try do this in church I let off seismic farts. Farts that are so loud and foul that they make everyone within a 3 mile radius of me question their faith in God.

The longest I’ve been able to hold in a fart is about 5 minutes. There’s a point of no return where I know I’m gonna fart and either have to make my excuses and leave the room or give everyone else a two minute warning. It totally sucks because I have to slink off into the bathroom like a crab that’s just crapped itself and people think I’m weird because of this.

I’ve heard that if you hold in a fart for longer than an hour, it gradually sucks itself back into your guts, up into your stomach and then later manifests itself in a particularly gassy burp. The person that told me this was drunk at the time so it’s probably baloney. But it’s an interesting “fact” nonetheless. I personally don’t wanna risk it, I’ve soiled my pants enough already this year.

If you want to listen to farts online then your best bet is Youtube.com. It has loads of videos uploaded by keen farters across the globe. Here are some of my favourites.

A flaming fart

A rasping face fart

And another rasper for good measure!

Alternatively you can listen to farts almost anywhere in the world. Typically you’ll hear a higher proportion of farts at football and hockey games because most of the people who attend those matches eat a lot of the stuff that makes their bowels try to eat themselves.

Bars are normally full of drunks who are too intoxicated to even try to keep their wind in. In fact most men in Alabamba fart openly in bars to try to attempt a mate. Most of the time it works too as Alabamba types are insane.

As I’ve discussed in earlier posts, pets have a reputation of farting insanely, particularly when you refuse to feed them proper pet food but let them scavange off the table. It’s funny how these people then complain how their dog Skeeter is emitting foul farts when he’s just wolfed down a whole steak, 3 Snickers Bar’s and a 40oz glass of beer.

If you still can’t find any farts to listen to, eat a crapload of beans, followed by a gallon of soda and wait until your bowels come to life! You’ll feel great in the morning trust me!

Now this can be tricky one. I know the strain that dog farts can put on a relationship. You’ll be sitting there in front of the TV with the dog and a family member will enter a seizure because of the smell. Whilst you want to escape the ass fumes you don’t wanna beat up on the dog. We all have to fart sometimes and dogs are no exception.

Firstly, stop feeding your dog food McDonalds. That stuff will play havoc with his bowels and isn’t doing the rest of his body any good. Secondly, stop dancing with your dog. You know that thing were you pull him around the room on his hind legs and he looks like he wants to die? Well that’s because he does. And it could very well be the reason why he’s farting so much.

Also stick with premium dog food and make sure that you walk him everyday. Basically the healthier your dog is the less his ass will reek.

I know this to be true from my own experience of my body. Over the Christmas holidays some of my farts were horrendous. I’d honestly never smelt anything like them before. I was one fart away from sticking a microscope up my hole just to eliminate the very real possibility that something had crawled up my crack and died.

Back on topic! We used to take care of this dog called Paddy that had a farting problem. We only had the poor mutt for a week before we had to send it back to it’s original owner because the farts were unbearable. I came downstairs one night and my dad was in tears. When I asked him what was wrong he pointed to the dog and screamed “IT’S THAT F##KING DOG’S HOLE THAT’S THE PROBLEM!”. We were feeding the dog well and walking it at least twice a day. In the end we suspected that it was just missing its owner. We however will not miss his farts.