I hate farts that outlive their welcome. There’s nothing worse than having to suffer the gas that escaped from your hole, especially if it’s putrid. The smell can start to numb your senses and it’s during moments like this that I start to feel suicidal.

I like to compare lingering farts to old dogs that you want to just die. No matter what you do you cannot escape it and it’ll just follow you around until either you die or it dies.

If the lingering fart is really starting to annoy me I will bring out and spray a can of deodorant at the fart, to try to mask the smell. The trouble with these farts is that there’s usually plenty more where that came from so even if I’m trying not to fart one will manage to escape if I stand up too quick or I see someone I’m attracted to.

Thankfully it is not possible to become invulnerable to the effects of other peoples farts, unless of course you lose your sense of smell. But no matter how accustomed you become to your own farts you will always find yourself being taken aback by the stench of other peoples farts.

I’ve been around some smelly gits in my time and occasionally I’ll think that I’m becoming accustomed to their ass fumes before they unleash a stinker that makes my eyes turn red and my tonsils yellow. It’s definitely more difficult to handle a stinking fart from someone who doesn’t normally produce howlers like that.

But yes! I’m glad that it’s impossible to become invulnerable to the effects of farting otherwise I wouldn’t be able to enact revenge on my enemies so easily!

If you’re at a meeting and want to impress those around you, then wrap your hands around your ass to make a cup shape and then fart and make sure it’s muffled so that none of it escapes into the surrounding area.

Once you’re sure you’ve captured the beast then hurl it into the face of the person closest to you. Make sure that they get the full waft of it otherwise you’ll have failed.

If you accidentally follow through and crap into your hand then be sure to shake everyone’s hand in the room and be sure to apologize for the smell. If they have any integrity at all then they’ll commend you for your honesty and your attention to detail.

The best way to make your farts smell worse is to eat lots of processed foods. Fast food outlets are ideal for this and will cause your farts to take on a malevolent air. I remember as a student eating at McDonalds every day and having the Big Tasty meal. After finishing my dinner I would leave the restaurant only for stomach to begin gurgling as if it were possesed by the disembodied spirit of an evil cat.

Within an hour or two the farts would start and it would be absolute hell. Typically they would smell of a combination of an open sewer and a bonfire of tires. Innocent bystanders would scatter in any direction possible with some have-a-go heroes attacking me in the street thinking that I was guilty of trying to instigate a terrorist attack.

It wasn’t funny at all. My farts are always bad after I’ve had about 50 slices of American cheese. Honest to God when I fart I can see like an aura flash out from behind my ass and I know that it’s gonna be catastrophic both for my lungs and my social life.

If you feel that people are farting around you deliberately in public then the chances are that you’re wearing too much cologne. Vigilante farters are renowned for farting in the direction of others, who smell too nice to try to balance it out a little bit.

Instead of becoming angry over this, it is best to thank the person who has just farted at you. Tomorrow you’ll know to wash yourself properly instead of not washing at all and wearing shedloads of fragrances to try to cover up your stinkiness.

If the farts become overwhelming then it’s time to get revenge by farting back in the direction of the perpetrator. In such an instance be sure to give 110% to the fart and ignore the possibility of crapping yourself. If it happens, then it happens.

The answer to this is simple. When you fart in the shower there is nowhere to run. You could try dashing out of the cubicle but you’ll probably slip and break your neck. The only option is to stand there and take it like a man.

Another reason why it will smell so terrible is because you’re busy cleaning your body with all sorts of oils and lotions that have a beautiful aroma. Set against this backdrop your farts are exposed as the dirty little terrorists that they are.

In order to prevent the torture of enduring a shower fart, take a crap before you enter the arena!