If you are annoyed by a friends farting and want to know if his intentions are sinister or not then it’s important to watch his face as he farts. If he starts to strain his face at any time during the farting process then you can know for sure that he is farting deliberately.

When the farts are unbearable then it may be necessary to employ some aggressive interrogation techniques.

Why not threaten to smash up his room with a baseball bat if he doesn’t confess immediately to farting on purpose and when he admits it all report him to the police immediately?

If you live in a Southern Baptist state like I do then the police officers will likely force the perpetrator to wear a cork up his ass to muffle anything that tries to escape out of his gap.

If he tried to remove this at any time then the police will be notified instantly and he’ll be shipped off to jail.

Can you imagine having a disorder where you can’t stop farting in your sleep? It’s be amazing! I’d have to record myself sleeping every night and I’d spend most of my waking hours watching the footage back. I guess it’d be somewhat unfortunate for your partner though, especially if they aren’t as fond of farts as you are.

The sad thing is that you’d struggle to keep a relationship for any longer than a week unless your girlfriend was very patient. Plus if you had a nightmare then the chances of you shitting yourself are magnified tenfold. Since I have nightmares every night I’d have to replace the bed sheets every week and I don’t have that sorta money.

Still if one of my friends told me that they had this condition I’d struggle not to laugh.

My friend Ron used to have this bizarre habit of walking over to strangers beer glass’s in a bar, resting his ass over the top and farting excessively into the brew. He loved it all the more if the victim was watching from afar as it gave him a chance to escape if things turned nasty.

Sometimes he’d cut a hole in the ass of his pants and underpants and crap directly into the glass. What’s worse is that these people would be so drunk that they wouldn’t even notice what happened until it came to sipping the floating. God is was disgusting!

There was one time that I caught him trying it on my drink and I ended up booting him repeatedly to the butt cheeks. He couldn’t sit down for a month but it didn’t stop him from farting in bars.

He’s barred from almost all of the taverns in a 20 mile radius from here. You’d gotta admire his determination!

You have several options I guess.

You can try to find a new room mate who doesn’t have such evil bowels.

Or you can stop being such a goddamn woman and live with it. If it’s annoying you that much try to out fart him until he is forced to surrender. Sometimes you’ve got to fight dirty to survive in this world!

Of course if it all becomes too stressful you can opt to smother your room mate in his sleep by repeatedly farting on his face when he’s in bed. Be sure that the room is not ventilated otherwise this will not work. When the police come to investigate his death you can blame his death on suffocation from his own farts. You’ll have the perfect alibi, especially if you go to the trouble to record his offerings and play them back to the pigs.

Strangely enough, sometimes when I’m about to fart I also get the urge to pee too. It can be difficult to decide what to do first and sometimes I become so fraught that I just fart and piss myself on the spot because I can’t make my mind up.

As a man I’m not afraid to sit down on the toilet if I need to fart and pee at the same time. Some guys say that only women do this but they are talking out of their holes. Besides I love the raw acoustics of farting down the toilet. The amount of added reverberation to your farts is sometimes breath-taking, which is why it’s critically important to try to fart in various different environments.

If you’ve accidentally started into a long loud fart then the worst possible thing you could do is to try and stop.  I’ve tried to cease wild farts like this in the past and it only results in them becoming even louder and lasting much longer.

If someone has mouthed off at you for farting then you must explain the situation to them calmly. Tell them that you cannot control what comes from your ass and that they should instead mind their own business.

Sometimes it might be difficult to keep your cool especially if others have started to attack you for your farting. This is a common outcome with elevator farts, particularly if your fart lasts for 10 or more floors, then the chances of the elevator occupants revolting against you is extremely high.

If you are attacked then you must do all you can with your ass to protect yourself.

Everyone knows that work is for losers. The very idea that you can get fired for farting whilst in the workplace is despicable. Farting to me is a form of self expression, much like singing or dancing is to a normal human being. Why should I be persecuted for doing what I love best?

Fortunately I have never been fired for farting but I’ve come close to being dismissed. It was in my last job temping in a bank. I came in one morning after a night out after having some Indian food the night before and I honestly couldn’t stop farting. My co-workers were becoming ever more frustrated and kept re-adjusting the settings on the air conditioning to try to kill the smell to little effect. My boss eventually came up to me and said that if I didn’t stop farting then I’d be dismissed on the spot.

Being a sensitive person I took this badly and just went into the restroom and spent 2 hours trying to have a crap but I couldn’t because I was that distraught.

I wish I had the balls to have told that asshole where to stick his job. If people can’t accept my farting as an extension of my personality then they can piss off.

If you’re ever apphrended by a cop on a highway for something silly and you’re full of gas then it’s worth waiting until he comes up to your window, making a swift bolt out of your door and farting in his general direction. If he tries to bend you over the back of your car to cuff you and you still have farts then continue to hose the idiot down until he’s feeling a bit woozy. If your farts are as putrid as mine he’ll collapse to the ground in a few seconds like a dazed insect.

You have two options, you can make off or just stay on the scene, lower your buttocks onto his face before letting out a finishing blow. Be aware that if another police offer sees you doing this then he’s likely to fire shots at you. What an honorable death that would be too!

I love nothing more than going to a fine restaurant, eating a large meal before clambering on top of the table and farting as loud as I can. Thankfully my farts are omnidirectional so everyone gets a fair whiff of the pie and if anyone complains at all I start listing all of the foods I’ve been eating in the past few days or show them pictures of my stools that I keep in my wallet.

If I’m feeling particularly mischievous I see nothing wrong on sitting on someones dinner and just farting to kingdom come. If I hate the victim I will try my best to crap in their food and then smudge it all into their grub by smooching my buttocks through it.

If someone threats to beat me up I run to the toilets, hoke for logs of crap down the toilet and begin firing the turd in the direction of the people who were complaining the most. If I can get a large chunk inside a wine glass I consider myself nothing short of a modern hero.