If you love farting and are feeling stressed then the best thing you could possibly do is to fart more. Fart whenever the mood takes hold regardless of where you are or who you are with and your life will pass like a breeze.

Sadly a lot of companies do not share this attitude. In fact I’ve been sacked from a number of jobs for gross misconduct related to my farting tactics. I’ve been in meetings with clients and instead of shaking hands at the end of the meeting to clinch the deal I used to raise my leg up onto the desk and fart as loud as I could to celebrate the progress we’d made that day.

Suffice to say this did not go down well usually.

Still don’t let the threat of persecution thwart you from pursuing your fart dreams.

I love farting on wooden floors, especially if it’s in a small room. The acoustics are often phenomenal and can increase the effect of your fart tenfold. It’s even better if the floorboards are thin as if someone’s downstairs you can plant your ass cheeks on the ground and fart through at them and they won’t know what the hell is going on!

I’ve been thrown out of my many peoples houses for sampling the acoustics of their floorboards. If I’m around at a friends I love nothing more than to suddenly strip down to my boxers, yank them off and place my ass on the cold floor before unleashing my wind unto the wooden panels.

If my friend’s family is upset enough about it they’ll ring the police too. It’s happened many times before.

If you’re trying to muffle a loud fart with tight jeans then think again. If the fart is loud enough then there’s every chance you’ll tear a hole right through them. If this happens when you’re in public then you might have some very difficult questions to answer.

Attempting to contain a fart is a bad idea. In my experience muffling a fart will lead to one with much greater force arising within the next few minutes. This will be a fart so strong that even if you’re in a bomb shelter people outside will hear it.

If you’re worried about a loud fart ruining your reputation then it’s maybe best to give some prior warning before you release it. If you’re in a meeting with your boss then just shout ‘I’m gonna have to stop you there I’ve an important announcement to make’ before dispatching the gravy with as much gusto as a Michelin Star winning chef.

As human beings we have been conditioned to persecute those who fart in public. They are seen as deviant souls who aren’t fit to sit at the table with the rest of the humanity. Yet these people are truly the heroes of America. They have overcome the fear that we all grapple with to show their true nature through farting. As law abiding citizens we should do all we can to make public farters feel welcome.

Next time someone farts in public, instead of giving them a dirty look walk over to them and give them a hearty handshake and thank them for having the balls to express who they truly are without fear of reprisals.

Feel free to attack anyone else who tries to condemn the farter as someone wrong or evil. If you’re overwhelmed by the quality of the fart you may bend down and sniff at the persons buttocks and huff in as much of the offering as you can.

Be sure to get the farters permission before hand otherwise you might land yourself in trouble with the police.

We’ve all had bosses who were complete and utter assholes. In such cases, we cannot wait to hand in our resignation and when we do we want it to have as much impact as possible.

So instead of going to the bother of writing a resignation letter, why not run up to his desk screaming ‘I QUIT BABY! HERE’S THE CHEESE!’ before detonating right in his face? For bonus points, make sure that as many people are in the office at your time of resignation as possible.

If your boss faints because of the stench, be sure to run away as fast as your can in order to evade the police. They’ll be asking you all sorts of questions that you won’t know the answers to!