• Have a lot of people been dying of “unexplained” circumstances in your family recently?
• Does the fire alarm go off after you fart?
• Have the police ever turned up at your door after a rectal emission?
• Do people run away from you on the sidewalk when you’re walking into work, even if the only way to run is straight underneath a bus?
• Does red smoke come out of your ass after you’ve farted? Have the police ever brought you in for questioning under suspicion of detonating a dirty bomb out of your hole?
• Are you banned from every public building in the county?
• Has anyone ever beat the hell out of you for letting rip near them?

If you find that any of these are true then there’s every chance that you have horrifically stinky farts!

If you’ve just let off then it’s time to sample the beast before it arrives on foreign shores. The only way to do this is to stop in your tracks, bend your head down to your crotch and take in a manly huff of the noxious fumes that have just geyser ed out of your hole.  If you are content with your handy work, then be sure to let out a really proud sigh and smile to anyone who may be watching. This will tell everyone  around you that you are proud of your farts and will stop anyone else from claiming them as your own.

You should use this technique regardless of the situation, especially if it’s your aunts funeral. Be proud of all of your farts and you will be blessed with a long and prosperous life of farting like an absolute trooper!

Christ, I love the smell of my farts!  The pungent aroma that pervades from my butthole after I let out a corker is nothing short of heavenly.

However the same cannot be said when someone else decides to fire one out. In those instances I feel like heaving up my stomach in order to escape the stench that has come about from their underneath.

Why is it that my farts are so beautiful? Is it because I’m endowed with some sort of magical power? No. It’s because I’m looking at my farts through rose tinted glasses. If I were to be fair and evaluate the true stench I’d probably end up killing myself over creating such a horrible whiff.

Self deceit is necessary when your farts smell as bad as mine do!

Women throughout the ages have blamed farting on being a purely male phenomena. I remember this was exactly the case in my school were 14-year-old girls would shake their head in disdain if I ever lit up a lesson with a fart. I’d be sitting there embarrassed whilst the teacher would force me out of the class for being such a rude boy.

The truth of the matter is that most women are better at farting than men and enjoy it more. Take this video for example which is a cutting insight of how women act in Sweden.

Terrifying isn’t it? I’m guessing that career driven women are the worst for this type of behavior. After all they have to sit through hours upon hours of meetings without farting. Their colon will have to give way sooner or later and this certainly won’t happen whilst the woman is trying to close a deal otherwise she is liable to be sent to prison.

So they wait and they wait until they get home and then they take it out on their poor husbands. Can you imagine how sick of this the guy must be by now? I’m sure it was a novelty at one stage but now it must be totally irritating. I think he should file for divorce.

Although you can’t escape the fact that she’s really, really hot.