I’ve shit my pants numerous times in public. I’m always trying to get the most out of my farts and sometimes I just overstretch and end up vacating my bowels there and then on the spot. Before I’d try to hide it by waddling off to the restroom to clear up but nowadays I take a more direct approach.

Whenever it happens, I take off my soiled pants on the spot and where them around my head like a nun. I then proceed to run around in circles whilst slapping my buttocks repeatedly yelling ‘I’ve just crapped myself and there’s nothing any of you can do about it!’.

If I get challenged by a member of the public about this I’ve been known to hurl my soiled garments at them whilst barking like a dog at them.

I guess it’s just my way of dealing with an immensely distressing problem.

I hate having the flu as it’s inevitable that I’ll crap myself sooner rather than later. Whenever I’m about to soil the bed I can feel my farts becoming warmer and warmer and they start to smell like burning tyres. It is at this point that I make a dash for the toilet in a vain attempt to stop any anal leakages. It never works. When I try to get up, my bowels loosen and out comes the poop like lava out of a volcano. It just can’t be stopped.

Sometimes I just sit on the toilet for hours praying to God to give me some respite from the shit attacks. It’s even worse when I need to vomit as I can never decide whether to get off the seat and vomit down the toilet and take my chances with crapping all over the restroom walls or just staying on the John and vomiting everywhere.

I’m usually that dizzy that I end up missing the toilet and crapping down the side of the bowl and vomiting everywhere as well. I hate it but it cant be helped.