The best thing about prison life is that farting is openly accepted. In fact in most American prison’s there is a farting hierarchy where the most dangerous criminals exert such authority over there fellow inmates that they can and do often fart in the faces of those that they deem to be weaker than themselves.

Many prisons have recently installed ‘gas chambers’ where uncooperative prisoners are placed. This is basically just a small room where rotten farts from other prisoners are relentlessly pumped in until the convict has agreed to change his ways.

So far it has been wildly successful with crime down 50% on the last year in prisons. However suicide rates have increased by 50% with many of the prisoners who were subjected to the treatment opting to end their lives after enduring the fart chamber.

If you fart regularly in bed and the wife has thrown you out of the house, then there’s no other option but to divorce her, repossess the house and find a new wife who has a goddamn sense of humor!

Seriously though if this was to happen to me I would not be impressed. I’d probably crap in the car and smear it all into the windows as a form of dirty protest against her.

I’d then start to shovel my own crap through the letterbox and wait until she comes home at night and then run at her with the explicit intention of farting in her general direction until she’s sorry that she ever married me.

If that didn’t work then I’d record myself farting for a month and send her a compilation of my best ones on a cassette tape straight to her door.

I’d win in the end either way.

This is the worst lie that you could ever teach your child. Even as babies children know that farts are funny so if you try to tell them otherwise then they won’t believe anything you say and deservedly so.

Let’s face it, farting is hilarious. There’s nothing you can do to disguise this fact. So in order to raise your child properly you must do your utmost to ensure that your child holds this belief dear to them throughout their life.

If you try to raise them with manners then they’ll turn out to be boring pricks later in life with no friends and no chance of ever getting a girlfriend.

If you have a son or daughter who is complaining about excessive farting and the possible implications of their condition in school, then be sure to send them off to school anyway. Only be sure to remind them that there’s nothing wrong with farting openly in class especially if it annoys the teacher!

If he is sent home for disrupting the class then complain to the head teacher and send him to school the next day loaded with beans, cola and chewing gum. Order him to fart as loudly as possible throughout the day as a means of getting back at the system. If other kids try to bully him into ceasing the farting action then send him to kung-fu lessons so that he can learn how to fight and fart.

It is every mans right to fart when and where he wants in America.

I love farting when I’m drunk, especially when I’m with other more sober people. I’ve been known to put one leg up on the table next to me, stretch and to then let out a riproarer just to annoy the other patrons. I’ve gotten into fights in the past over it and no one really wants to go out drinking with me anymore, but damn it I love it. It’s the most hilarious thing in the world to me.

At times I’ve even ran into restaurants when drunk and ran over to young couples, sat on their food and farted repeatedly in their meal. Once my ass is in your meal there is no way of removing it, honey so you might as well get used to it. The reaction I get from this is amazing. Most times I end up having a glass smashed in my face!

Sometimes we just can’t control when we fart.

The worst time to fart is during sex, especially when you’re about to come. If you let out a blast just before the climax then you’ll normally be in a lot of trouble with your girlfriend unless she’s as demented as you.

The only excuse in this situation is to say that you didn’t actually fart and that the loud noise was a result of your prostate grand exploding from desire.

This will immediately make her feel guilty and instead of kicking you out of bed she’ll make you a cake and everything. If she doesn’t believe you at first, tell her that it’s happened to you many times before because your prostate has been dislocated from birth.

Just keep lying to her and everything will be OK in the end!

If your cat won’t stop farting, then there are only two things you can do, take it to the vets or try to stick a cork up it’s ass. If you try the latter option then you deserve to be arrested for being a pervert, seriously!

Most cats fart a lot because they are evil and enjoy making peoples lives a misery. You should make it clear to the cat that such behavior is unacceptable by turfing it out of your house when it lets off a particularly bad one.

I’ve found that fat cats make the worst smell. Honest to God whenever a chubster farts you can almost taste the cat food decomposing in it’s bowels. If you were subjected to that for more than a month then you couldn’t be blamed for losing your mind.

Last night I nearly burnt my asshole out. I put a firework inside my anus and lit it before letting off this tremendous fart. My God, the eruption! My friends heard the explosion up to a mile away. I didn’t know whether to be proud or ashamed. The smell that came from my ass reminded me of death, pestilence and genocide. I felt like crying at the time and my mother is thinking about reporting me to the police.

Folks, I’m lucky to have an asshole. If you think that lighting farts is funny you’re mistaken. This could not be further from the truth. If I’d farted only a few more decibels louder I think I might have blown my anus inside out.

If you must light your own farts be sure to do it in a well ventilated area. Make sure that no one else is around. Put a tea cosy around your bumhole to prevent yourself from suffering third degree burns. If you’re from the Mid-West cease drinking gasoline for at least a month before you perform this dangerous operation otherwise you’re likely to take out half the city with your fart.

Be sure to give your neighbours prior warning about your intentions. Especially if you’re planning to do this in the middle of the night. I heard about a fellow who farted just after midnight and the emission was so loud and smelly that it killed everyone in the house next door, including their pets.