I’ve known many men with ‘farting fetishes’ and they are essentially weirdos. They find the idea of girls farting on them enthralling and spend most of their days researching the topic til death.

I’d hate it if someone else farted on me without my explicit permission as there’s no guarantee that they won’t down the brown during the whole sordid process. Watching videos of this very activity is not my idea of a nice night in. In fact if I was to think about it for too long I think I’d end up having a panic attack.

If the government had any sense at all they’d outlaw fart porn as soon as possible as it acts as a violation of human dignity and exploits the natural gift of farting, for extremely lewd purposes.

I guess it varies from person to person. Some have the ability to endure an extraordinary amount of farts before they begin to slip into unconsciousness whilst others may die after one awful fart. It depends on whether the person is used to being subjected to farting in their home environment.

I knew of a girl who would faint every time she smelt a fart, even if they were one of her own. It’s people like her that would only be able to endure 2 or 3 before her respiratory system started to shut down. I’ve known others who practically live in their own feces and fart 1000’s of times a day and they seem to be invulnerable to any amount of punishment, even some of my worst ones.

Personally I think I could handle about 500 rapid-fire farts before my lungs decided to pop like two lousy, tarry balloons.

I hate people who get bitchy over farts at the dinner table. My dad used to get so annoyed that he’d take me outside and beat the hell out of me whenever I let one off at the dinner table, which made it all the funnier for me.

If I can’t be myself over dinner then I don’t want to eat with other people. I don’t object when other people hiccup, burp or talk nonsense. I am tolerant and caring, therefore I expect the same from others. It’s hardly as if I’m farting directly at others when I’m sitting down too.

I fart out of necessity when I’m with my family, it’s just when I’m around strangers that I become an exhibitionist.

It’s crucially important that farting is encouraged at the dinner table, otherwise young people will grow up without realizing their true potential as healthy human beings.

If I haven’t ate for a few hours then it’s pretty normal for gas to build up in my stomach. If I leave it for long enough I can start to feel the gas progressing it’s way downwards and it’s at this moment that farts are conceived. It’s a beautiful feeling.

It’s at times like this that I start eating chewing gum along with beans washed down with Coke. This contributes to the effect tenfold and creates some of the deadliest farts known to man.

Seriously you should try this if you want to hear your ass make some ungodly sounds. When I’m around and in this state others make a concerted effort to escape the room as quickly as possible as they know it’s gravy time, baby!

For a long time I was ashamed of my farting and it became so bad that even thinking about it would send me into a stupor. If I thought too much about it I’d end up having an anxiety attack, my bowels would loosen and I would have to dash for the toilet.

Most of the time I would not make it and would return to work with crap all down my legs. I used to have to walk like a crab with my legs apart to try to avoid the attention of my boss.

Nowadays I don’t care about farting. I just let it out regardless of who is gonna be annoyed by it all. If I were to contain myself I know it would end up becoming so bad that I would shit myself right in front of the team lead and I’d be fired for being both incompetent and incontinent.

If anyone complains about my farting disorder, I wrestle them to the ground, sit on them and show them how it’s done downtown. It’s the only way I can maintain my dignity.

If you’re American, it’s normal to fart 500+ times a day. This is due to our massive consumption of high fat foods like peanut butter, burgers and fried chicken.

Not all of these farts will be audible though, so bear that in mind if you’re intent on counting your farts.

If you are worried about your excessive flatulence, consult a doctor immediately. The last thing you wanna do is poison yourself or a loved one whilst you’re sleeping. Farts can be more deadly than carbon monoxide, especially if you’re letting off regularly in a confined space!

As a farting professional, this is a question that I’m asked quite regularly and the answer generally is that, yes farting is good for your health. However it depends a lot upon the nature of your farts.

If your farts don’t smell at all and don’t startle anyone when you release them, then it would imply that your digestive system is working as it should. If your farts clear the room each and every time and are louder than a small bomb then you may have a problem.

Ask a few friends for honest advice about your farting habits. A useful test is to ask them to sum up your farting in one word. If more than one person comes up with “death” then it’s best to consult your doctor immediately.

It’s not that your health is directly in danger, sure your digestive system may be devouring itself but it’s resilent and can suffer years of fatty food and drink. What you must worry about is other people. Lots of people react badly to bad farts and may attack you onsite if they suspect you of emitting a foul colon cough, and rightly so. Ingesting someone elses farts can be lethal, surprisingly so in Kansas. So if you smell anything untoward, close your mouth immediately and breath through your nostrils.

In summary, farting is good for your health. It’s much better to let farts out than to hold them otherwise your colon might erupt like Mount St Helens and then you’ll be screwed.

It’s everyone’s nightmare, you’ve spent a month preparing for an interview that you’re desperate to perform well in. But then the shit literally hits the fan when you’re asked the dreaded “Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?”. At that point your world stops.

The only thing you can do is to sit there staring, slackjawed at the interviewing panel like you’ve been told you have 3 weeks to live. Then out of nowhere a fart escapes from your bum. And another. And yet another. By this time you can’t control the noises coming from your anus. Your ass has literally become a circus and the panel have front row seats. You have no chance of getting the job.

There’s no way to stop this once it starts so prevention is better than the cure. Here’s a few tips on how to prevent embarassment at interviews.

• If you fart at an interview, own up to it immediately. Once it slips out of your ass, jump up and scream “Oi you! See that? That was my fart! Happy?”. They’ll love your assertiveness and honesty.
• Never ever blame the fart on one of the panel. As career people, they’ll be fully aware of what each others farts smell like since they do so much ass kissing around the office.
• If you know you’re gonna break wind at some point in the interview then it’s best to let the panel know before hand. Be sure to break the news gently to them “Here I’m sorry but I struggle to control what comes out of my ass at job interviews, could you just ignore it if it happens? I swear to God I won’t crap myself. I’m fully house-broken”.
• Do not chew gum excessively before the interview. I’ve fallen into this trap myself. I was so nervous I ate about 28 sticks over a 2 hour period. If you read the packaging carefully you’ll notice that it says something like “Excessive consumption may produce laxative effects”. There’s no maybe about it! This stuff will make your ass “talk” like it’s possessed.
• If you’re expected to give a presentation during your interview then you could possibly integrate your farting talents in with the slideslow. For example each time you change a slide you could press your buttocks down against the table and let one slip out. You could use this technique at important parts in your presentation where you wish to emphasise certain points.