Picture the scene, you’re sitting on your favorite chair in your living room watching the football on the TV. You get up to go into the kitchen to fetch a beer and as you walk back in you notice that your girlfriend is sniffing the seat that you’ve been farting on.

What the hell are you meant to do or think?

If you’re offended by it, report it to both her parents and her friends. If her father picks up yell ‘Did you know that your daughter is a seat sniffing slut!?!?’ down the phone to him. Try to capture footage of her doing it, hack into her Facebook and put it up on her profile.

If you love her doing it, then I guess you could start to sniff her chair back in reciprocation and be proud of the fact that you’re part of a relationship made in heaven.

If you love farting in public and cannot understand why others are enjoying your anal outbursts then maybe it’s time you understood that not everyone will enjoy your farts. In fact some people may react so badly to them that they might attempt suicide in order to escape from you.

I used to date this girl who’d go insane if I farted nearer. Seriously! She’d flip out and start slapping herself around the head with her purse if I wouldn’t stop farting near her. Obviously this made me want to fart all the more! I later found out that the poor girl commited suicide a year after we broke up and her parents believed that memories of my farting caused her to sink into a deep state of depression.

If I’d known then what I know now I would have went easier on her and only farted on special occasions.

My friend recently just broke off with fiancee, which was pretty unexpected. It seems that for years he had been listening in on her going to the toilet whilst she was trying to take a dump. Apparently he would knock the door incessantly and whisper “I know what you’re doing in there!” through the wall.

How creepy is that? I mean why would you even want to listen to someone defecating? I try to block the idea out of my friends have assholes at all. I just don’t want to know for crying out loud!

I hate the notion of Unisex toilets which is why I tend to stay away from rock festivals. Why? Well there’s nothing worse than having a dump next to a girl who’s in the cubicle next to you. It’s at times like this that my bowels go into overdrive and my ass starts making noises that I never thought were even possible. When this starts, the girl will usually react in the same way, setting off a chorus of unsavoury noises that doesn’t stop for about half an hour.

The worst bit is coming out of the bathroom at the same time as the person. I find it very difficult to stare someone in the eyes when I’ve just heard their colon wheezing like a drunken Irish sailor. What the hell are you meant to say to her anyway?

“Look I’m sorry about the noises in there?” or “I liked the tunes your ass was making, honey?”

If I stare at the person too long I’ll normally break down and scream “I WAS JUST TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!” before running out of the restroom in tears.

Yes it is and it’s unhealthy. If you’re constantly sniffing your girlfriends butt, then it’s an inherent sign of weakness. She’ll treat you like crap for the rest of your life and will try to suffocate you in your sleep with her toxic farts. If you think your girlfriends farts smell nice it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Imagine if those same farts were to escape from your ass. You’d know immediately that they weren’t in any way pleasant. The healthiest way to deal with the situation is to yell ‘Owww that fucking stinks, but I love it’ the next time she farts.

Remember relationships should be two-way. If she’s farting regularly and threatens you when you try the same then it’s only gonna result in a lot of anger and farts building up inside your body and before you know it you’ll erupt in public and probably kill someone with your toxic brew of death.

Be open with your farts in relationships otherwise be prepared to deal with some particularly nasty consequences.

I’m tired of my wife becoming all stroppy when I’ve let one out. She goes ballistic. It’s unreal! One time she threw me out of the house my ass reeked that bad. I could see nothing wrong, sure the T.V. picture went all wonky and the smoke alarm went off, but other than that everything else was hunky-dory.

In my opinion, women need to grow a sense of humor. Farts are hilarious, people! Women are just too caught up in their own petty little worlds to realize this.

They need to drop the frothy cappucinos and start dropping eggers everywhere. That way we could all live a stress free lifestyle, free of fear of reprisals from the opposite sex.

There are some women out there who seem to enjoy making their husbands smell their farts. I’ve no idea why this is at all, but I think it’s got something to do with feminism. Well it’s either that or they obviously hate who they are married to.

I knew a guy once who was married to someone who subjected him to this. He’d go home after a hard day at the office and he’d get to the door of his house and his wife would be standing there with her hand up against the side of the wall, in a nightgown with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth whispering inane threats such as “You’re gonna smell it!” “Smell it!”.

Instead of reporting her to the police he let her get away with this for 20 years. She’d start by trying to trip him up at the doorstep. If she succeeded she’d then trail him by the legs up the stairs into the bathroom, sit down on the toilet and start farting whilst her husband was made to watch. A farting session could go on for as long as a fortnight depending on how irritable her bowels were at the time.  The poor fellow got fired from so many positions due to tardyness and poor health that he’s virtually unemployable now. He even tried to take his own life by collecting up samples of his own farts into a bottle and inhaling like there was no tomorrow.

He’s still with her though and I think he will always be. Either until she accidently kills herself with her own farts or she kills him. There should be some organisation to stop criminals like this because it just isn’t fair. How would you like it if your son was subjected to this on a regular basis?