While farts can sometimes be an indication of an underline gastrological disturbance, farting on its own is not physically dangerous to you or other people.

That said it is possible for you to become so upset and disturbed at your own farts that you become suicidal.

If you feel like ending your own life after a bad fart, just hang on. Farts don’t last forever. It will clear quickly.

You can help alleviate the smell by opening as many windows as possible and turning on the air conditioning. If you’re still feeling desperate run to your neighbour’s house and explain what happened along with your suicidal feelings. If they fail to understand or empathize with your situation then you can legally shit on their doorstep with no fears of legal repercussions.

Remember to stay calm and to move as far away from the fart as possible. You might want to cordon off the area with Police Tape lest anyone else walks into your death zone and contemplates ending their own life after sampling your fumes.

Farting is not rude if the farter cannot help it. It’s a natural function of the human body and to attempt to suppress it is not only unhealthy but it’s ridiculous. The next time I see someone being victimized for farting in public, I will intervene by letting out a massive fart in the face of the accuser.

Seriously though, no-one should be forced to feel ashamed for something they can’t help. We should be encouraging others to express themselves as much as possible and farting publicly is just one piece of the pie.

I have a dream that one day when a person farts he will not be met with scorn but with flowers, applause and admiration from all of those around him.

That day will only come when we accept that farts are a perfectly normal and healthy function of the human body.

I don’t understand why people fart in front of their friends but not at their enemies. Farting needs to play a more intricate part in conflict resolution if humanity is to continue to evolve and prosper.

I now pride myself on my ability to fart on cue at enemies. If anyone has pissed me off I’ll go straight over to them, slap them on the face, whip down my bags and fart right at them and I won’t give a damn what they think.

This is what got me sacked at my last job too. You see I’ve never employed the whole passive aggressive attitude to colleagues I dislike, I find it much healthier to show my disdain for someone by more vocal means. If it means being arrested then I guess that’s just the price I have to pay for being honest.

Christ when I was a teenager and on the phone with girls my mother loved nothing more than to let out these huge rasping farts in the background when I was trying to speak to girls on the phone.

It made me feel so angry because the girls usually thought it was me and when I tried explaining the situation they didn’t believe me.

The only way to stop your mother doing this is to threaten to take her to the old folks home if she doesn’t cease. Either that or you could record her doing it and then show the video of it to your friends who do not believe how mental she is.

Or you could just impose a household wide ban on beans. I guess that would stop the problem dead!

There are times when even I’m shocked at the stench that comes from my hole after a fart. If I’ve been eating a lot of crap the previous day then I’ll expect my farts to smell a little worse than usual but sometimes they smell so bad that I feel devastated.

In situations like this I will begin to mourn as if I’ve just been told that my entire family has been brutally murdered. I’ll warn everyone in close proximity to stay far away unless they want to suffocate. I’ll then draw the curtains in my office, put my head down on my desk and cry to a God I don’t even believe in.

If there was a God after all these farts wouldn’t happen. No God would allow such a bad smell to invade his beautiful green earth.

Instead of resorting to unnecessary fights, I wish that more would make use of the fart as a means of enacting revenge upon an enemy.

The death penalty should be abolished for war crimes and instead fart torture should be brought in by the United Nations. If some mass murdering dictator is caught, he should be forced into a chamber with about 50 preps high on beer and cabbage and made to stay there for the rest of his life until he thinks about he’s done.

Personally I don’t know what I’d do without farting as a means of getting my own back on people. If my friends have been annoying me all weekend I love nothing more than to let off awful farts in their living rooms just as a reminder of who’s boss. It’s even better if their mother is around as that’s when they begin to whine like a little bitch.

If you really need to fart and can feel the pressure building in your stomach, then you must let it go regardless of the situation. If you let it build you could tear yourself a new asshole and that would be bad news for everyone involved.

Continuing to hold in farts like this is known to cause cancer especially if your ‘numbers’ are as toxic as mine. You need to let it go otherwise the farts will start to eat your stomach from the inside.

It’s best to be honest with everyone around you and to let the beast sail out. You’ll probably end up offending or injuring others around you your fart will be that bad, but it’s a small price to pay when you consider the alternative.

If you’re round at a friends and desperately need a crap, it can be extremely embarasing if you let out a loud fart down the toilet as it will reverberate and travel throughout the house. Unfortunately there are no ways to eliminate farting on the toilet at all. Your best option is to fart as much as possible in the restroom so that you don’t accidently let one out when you’re in the company of others.

If someone is listening in on you crapping your brains out then feel free to smash their face in for having absolutely no manners whatsoever. People like that don’t understand the sheer embarrassment that chronic farter’s face in their day to day lives.

Remember farts are better out than in and they are nothing to be ashamed of.