I dunno why I drink Miller at all, it tastes like piss and it gives me horrendous gas. When I say horrendous, I mean horrendous. It’s not like I can fart it out either, because the beer itself gives me the runs and I’m scared of letting one out and downing the brown so to speak.

Drinking alcohol is a hinderance for a pro farter like myself. It only makes you anxious about the possible outcomes. If I strain too hard I know that there’s always the possibility that I’ll crap everywhere, but at the same time if I push that little bit harder I know there’s every chance the fart will be glorious.

I should probably give up drinking. It isn’t doing my insides any good at all!