The best thing about prison life is that farting is openly accepted. In fact in most American prison’s there is a farting hierarchy where the most dangerous criminals exert such authority over there fellow inmates that they can and do often fart in the faces of those that they deem to be weaker than themselves.

Many prisons have recently installed ‘gas chambers’ where uncooperative prisoners are placed. This is basically just a small room where rotten farts from other prisoners are relentlessly pumped in until the convict has agreed to change his ways.

So far it has been wildly successful with crime down 50% on the last year in prisons. However suicide rates have increased by 50% with many of the prisoners who were subjected to the treatment opting to end their lives after enduring the fart chamber.

While farts can sometimes be an indication of an underline gastrological disturbance, farting on its own is not physically dangerous to you or other people.

That said it is possible for you to become so upset and disturbed at your own farts that you become suicidal.

If you feel like ending your own life after a bad fart, just hang on. Farts don’t last forever. It will clear quickly.

You can help alleviate the smell by opening as many windows as possible and turning on the air conditioning. If you’re still feeling desperate run to your neighbour’s house and explain what happened along with your suicidal feelings. If they fail to understand or empathize with your situation then you can legally shit on their doorstep with no fears of legal repercussions.

Remember to stay calm and to move as far away from the fart as possible. You might want to cordon off the area with Police Tape lest anyone else walks into your death zone and contemplates ending their own life after sampling your fumes.

If you fart regularly in bed and the wife has thrown you out of the house, then there’s no other option but to divorce her, repossess the house and find a new wife who has a goddamn sense of humor!

Seriously though if this was to happen to me I would not be impressed. I’d probably crap in the car and smear it all into the windows as a form of dirty protest against her.

I’d then start to shovel my own crap through the letterbox and wait until she comes home at night and then run at her with the explicit intention of farting in her general direction until she’s sorry that she ever married me.

If that didn’t work then I’d record myself farting for a month and send her a compilation of my best ones on a cassette tape straight to her door.

I’d win in the end either way.

I’ve known many men with ‘farting fetishes’ and they are essentially weirdos. They find the idea of girls farting on them enthralling and spend most of their days researching the topic til death.

I’d hate it if someone else farted on me without my explicit permission as there’s no guarantee that they won’t down the brown during the whole sordid process. Watching videos of this very activity is not my idea of a nice night in. In fact if I was to think about it for too long I think I’d end up having a panic attack.

If the government had any sense at all they’d outlaw fart porn as soon as possible as it acts as a violation of human dignity and exploits the natural gift of farting, for extremely lewd purposes.

Farting is not rude if the farter cannot help it. It’s a natural function of the human body and to attempt to suppress it is not only unhealthy but it’s ridiculous. The next time I see someone being victimized for farting in public, I will intervene by letting out a massive fart in the face of the accuser.

Seriously though, no-one should be forced to feel ashamed for something they can’t help. We should be encouraging others to express themselves as much as possible and farting publicly is just one piece of the pie.

I have a dream that one day when a person farts he will not be met with scorn but with flowers, applause and admiration from all of those around him.

That day will only come when we accept that farts are a perfectly normal and healthy function of the human body.